I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
