Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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