That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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