Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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