Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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