dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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