Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
