Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
