i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
