He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
