I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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