How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
