I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
