Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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