I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
