I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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