So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
