FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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