my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
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