the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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