A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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