I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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