i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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