So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
