im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
