mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
