her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
