i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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