Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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