I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
