Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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