I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
