Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
