Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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