My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
