I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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