What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
