i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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