I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
