Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
