He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
