this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
