cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
