if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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