This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
