Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
