I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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