Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
