I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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