I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
