I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
